Aunty Meredith Speaks

She’s the mysterious festival matriarch, the all-knowing, all-seeing, slightly crotchety Meredith oracle. Aunty’s used to having all manner of festival-related questions thrown at her (it’s her job to answer them, after all), so we thought we’d try to find out a bit more about the grand old dame herself. And in true Aunty fashion, she told us where to go. Bless.

I am… come on love, that’s a bit personal isn’t it? How old are you??…. years old.

Before I was Aunty Meredith, I was…..Just Meredith. Then my sister started spitting out rugrats and….voila.

I am …cm tall, with …hair and ….eyes. I am Amazonian-like in height, with porcelain skin and dreamy green eyes. My hair is perfect.

I am single/married/dating/widowed. That’s all true. Just having a crack, trying to stave off the loneliness. You know how it is.

My partner, if applicable, is… Uncle Doug. No bloody good at bridge I can tell you. The girls can read him like a book. Handy round the garden though.

I have X number of children, …grandchildren and …nieces and nephews. Too many. They only ring me when they want babysitting you know. But I still put 50 cents in all their Christmas cards.

You’ll usually find me wearing…. That’s true too. Although some people don’t get tired of me. Mainly the deaf ones. I do talk a lot. My first husband, Len, god rest his sweet soul, he used to say I could talk the leg off an iron pot.

If you want to spot me at Meredith this year, you should look out for … a caravan that has been built into the site, with a ‘permanent’ annex. Doug’s built one of those storage boxes over the axle too, where the kids put their boogie boards and hide their bongs. They think I don’t know they are there! “See you Aunty, we’re just going for a walk” “OK sweetheart, see you later”. Don’t forget the pipe cleaner.

The strangest thing I've seen in my 20 years of Meredith is... last year some bloody spaceship thing nearly landed on my roof. Apparently it was a joke. Not that funny I thought.

My favourite set in Meredith history would have to be... Ilie Nastase 7-6 V Guilermo Vilas, Wimbledon 1979. Also, Dexter classic sets back in the day, Girl Talk first Oz trip, Tim Sweeney first time round, Neily Finn last year…

This year, I’m really looking forward to seeing… Yes I am dear. Had one of the cataracts removed, still a bit cloudy though. As my sight improves, my sense of smell seems to be deserting me. Makes it a little harder to keep track of bath day.

We should really check out this …. act this year.  Frank Fairfield. Mark my words, there’s a proper he-man. Good manners, nice hair, beautiful singing voice, and strong buttocks.

The closest to disaster we've ever come was when...  Daylight savings meant I missed the bottleshop closing and ran out of sherry on a cards night with the girls. A close second would be the hundred –year-storm in 2004 when the Dirty Three played inside a giant electrical storm with cyclonic winds sideways pelting rains and dozens of lightning strikes.

The biggest display of dickheadedness we’ve seen over the years was…Probably when that stupid Matty High though putting on a ‘Mystery Act” was a good idea. Ha! How we laughed. People were expecting Motorhead or The Rolling Stones by the time it came around. A bigger flop than my poor Len on our wedding night.

The perpetrator/s were dealt with thus… pfft! “Dealt with”?? I wish. Lazy bugger got off scot free. He avoids me at family get-togethers now. He knows I’ll never let him forget. Fool.

Tell us a bit about the silence wedge.  No.

Of all the other “goings-on” at Meredith (Pink Flamingo bar, Meredith Eye), my personal favourite is…  Well, I quite like Tai Chi. Master Song is a former national Chinese Coach – do you know you can have competitive Tai Chi? I had no idea. Anyway, I really quite like Song. He’s alright that one. So calm and peaceful, always smiling and happy. And then…those swords…

It takes …..days/weeks and ….volunteers/employees to set up the site. It takes bloody forever, pet. They trudge around here for months in the wet of winter and the hot summer sun getting this place in tip top nick. Hard working boys and girls, I’ll give them that. Wish they’d return my tin snips when they borrow them though.

Apparently, you’re a bit plump. Your Meredith snack of choice is… What? Who the hell have you been talking to? Plump? Well I never. The cheek of you. My favourite snack will be you should you ever darken my door young lady. Gosh.

 And bevvy? Yaldara Medium Sweet Sherry (or a McWilliams Royal Reserve Sweet), Tullamore Dew, Fairy Bomb Absinthe (that’s from Czechoslavakia you know), Stone’s Green Ginger Wine, Guinness….is that enough love?

All sensible attendees should pack... Yes I agree. I’ve seen on Today Tonight what happens when you let someone else pack for you, especially if you’re going to Bali. CHECK THE BOOGIE BOARD BAG, SWEETHEART, CHECK THE BOOGIE BOARD BAG. Good advice, well done.

First-timers, I have this to say to you… Have a good read of what I write on the internet website before you turn up. Don’t be a princess or a tough guy – be prepared for three days in the country. You’ll have an absolute ball if you prepare properly.

As for the rest of you… You know the drill by now don’t you. I look forward to seeing you. Have we grown out of that ridiculous moustache-and-white-singlet phase yet? I thought I was back in 1949 again last year.

Tell us something we don’t know. I ask that question around here pet.