Field Guide to Partying Like An Awesome Person: How to Take The 'U' Out of 'Douche'
I’m going to come right out and say I feel like a bit of douche imparting ‘advice’ on going out on the town, so instead just take these as lessons I’ve learned from my time as both bartender and party person.
EATING AIN’T CHEATING
In fact, eating is winning. The party can go on for much longer if there’s food in your belly. You don’t go on a nine-hour drive without re-fuelling, and neither can you sustain any kind of bender without something in your stomach. Eat something for dinner – early, if you don’t want your tummy to stick out (I think I cared about this once). This goes for drinking water too. Alcohol dehydrates you and is key to the crapness that is a hangover. Drink water throughout the night, particularly if you’re smashing the Wet Pussies to Lil Jon. Bartenders and bouncers are far less likely to hate on you if you look like you’re taking care of yourself.
OFFER TO BUY BARTENDERS SHOTS
They might not take you up on it, but they’ll remember you thought of them. Also it’s the perfect in for hitting on bartender babes. Fact.
GOING TO THE TOILET
If you’re worried about ‘breaking the seal’ I’ve got four words for you, honey: who gives a shit. Meanwhile, if you’re a girl don’t pretend you don’t like escaping to the bathroom sometimes.
Ladies, if you know you’re going to be walking ANYWHERE, don’t wear stupidly high heels (I’m not a heels-hater, I love my five-inch Gucci clogs, but they’re a bitch over long distances and cobble stones). Boots are much more conducive to epic dancing if you don’t want to just shuffle like a penguin. Thongs or other footwear that leaves your stompers uncovered should just be a no (I’ve been wearing steel-capped boots for the past 12-months and I pretty much pulverise any broken glass with which I come into contact - it’s the best).
DON’T ARGUE WITH THE BARTENDERS OR BOUNCERS
This is your mantra – they are sober, they are right; you are drunk, you are wrong. As soon as you arc up, consider it game over. If you concede defeat they’re more likely to let up on you later in the evening. Even if you DON’T DESERVE TO BE SINGLED OUT or you aren’t as wasted as they’ve surmised, recognise they’re the ones with the power to kick you out and they don’t give two spoons about you. Re: bartenders, see OFFER TO BUY BARTENDERS SHOTS (do this before you’re annoying though). Which leads us to…
DON’T BE A DICKHEAD
So you’re on your best friend’s shoulders in the middle of the dancefloor, drink in hand, flailing about, and you wonder why Villo the Bouncer is tapping you on the shoulder. Guess what? You’re a dickhead. You might be having the time of your life but everyone else around you isn’t. If you knock someone’s drink over or out of their hand – replace it for them. It’s a case of WWJD? Treat others as you’d like to be treated.
HOOKING UP IN DA CLUB
You’re into this nightclubbing thing half for the party, half for the babes. Everyone’s excited for you to get laid but let’s leave some of the evening to the imagination of friends and strangers. If it can’t wait, it’s called a toilet cubicle, or if you’re slightly classier, hailing a cab. Ps. Don’t make out at the bar. Your smooches are taking up precious bar line real estate and bartenders may throw ice/shine torches at you. You are also fair game for club photographers who will post their shots on facebook, where your friends will tag you for LOLz, only to have your mum see them. She will never trust you again after seeing those hands in questionable places.
If you follow this advice your chances of ‘having a sick one’ will be dramatically increased and hopefully your debrief over breakfast the next day (breakfast can be any time of day in my book), will be just a bit more rad.
I hope your night is like this:
Or at least like this:
Check out the next installment: 'How to be a Babe on a Budget' here.