The Everguide Spring Racing Form Guide
You've matched your shoes to your bag or your tie to your suit. You've got the tickets to that big marquee that does those tiny hamburger things you like. Your significant other has promised to avoid all brown-coloured spirits, in the spirit of fun. It's Cup Day. Hooray.
We know you're all going to be chucking a few bikkies on which four-legged racer will make it over the line first, so you've probably been reading some form guides lately (or Tom Waterhouse's slightly GOOP-esque betting blog
). The problem with those form guides is that they're just about as exciting as eating a box of All Bran, then sketching a representation of how it made you feel - duller than a dye job four months after the hairdresser has had their paws in it.
We've gotten a little festive at the Everguide office. Blame Spring fever or all the wicked parties on for Cup Eve, but we've thrown our hat into the form guide ring. That's right folks, we've come up with a little celebrity form guide of our own for you to follow if you're hitting the track.
Disclaimer: *This guide is entirely fictional. You probably won't win any money out of it but you might score a few cheap laughs. When you're part of the great unwashed eating a Coles roast chicken in the car park of the race track, chuckling at a few celebs is a little gratifying.
Most likely to dress outrageously: Brynne Edelsten (odds at 2:1)
This busty blonde sure loves to bring the Vegas showgirl look trackside. Last year she wore something that could only be described as 'one big m***** f****** neon green and purple hat thing'. At Derby Day this Saturday her dress was held together with safety pins (with ample assets like hers our minds boggle at this feat of engineering). Like a baby blonde lovechild of Pamela Anderson, Dolly Parton, Cher and a glitter cannon, we personally cannot contain our excitement for Brynne's Cup Day clobber. Especially since she's been quoted in the press as saying she wants to wear 'the dress that stops a nation'. Bless.
Least likely to eat a canapé: Jennifer Hawkins (20:1)
We love Jen and we're not taking pot shots at her lovely lithe frame, but have you noticed how busy this girl is around race time? As the face of Myer's Spring racing fashion campaigns she's all over billboards, TV and live events in the lead up to the big race. On the day she's being interviewed in almost every bit of race day coverage, never once captured scoffing a spring roll or quaffing back some Veuve Cliquot. How? Even getting to all those appearances around the track is astounding. (Outlandish office theories have included the idea she may actually jockey in the race this year to maximise Hawkins exposure).
Most likely to be awkwardly interviewed in the LaVazza Marquee: Il Divo (3:1)
Lavazza makes great coffee and they have those cool umbrellas in almost every café in the world. They have a rad marquee every year. We like them. We're not out to offend, but they always ship out a charming European act to perform at the Cup and croon in their marquee for a crowd of blushing TV personalities. This year Il Divo are in town and we've got a feeling the suave Opera stars will be conveniently located next to a big blue and white Lavazza poster for an on-air chat about how much they love Australia... and coffee.
Most likely to perform burlesque in the middle of the racetrack: Dita Von Teese (100:1)
So the odds aren't high, but wouldn't it be magical? A race to truly stop the nation. We'd like to see Bruce McAvaney try and commentate it. If Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle
taught us anything, it's that having a saucy lady waving a flag to signify the start of a race is badass. The Melbourne Cup is supposed to be a little classier than a dirt bike race, so maybe Miss Von Teese could kick off the festivities in her famous giant martini glass? Imagine Warnie's face.
If you spot any of the above on the day please take a snap and give us a call. Don't stress if you don't land any of the big odds though. Spotting the line for the toilets exceeding 300, a group of work colleagues getting way too friendly in the rose gardens, or some under-age racegoers sweating fake tan onto their baby doll dresses are also paying pretty good dividends.
Saddle up, pack some Bandaids and aspirin and have an amazing day.