It's Not All About Horsing Around
You know what? You know what?! Maybe horses just ain't my bag. Look at them, with their stupid special shoes and their stupid oblong faces... and their silky-smooth, Pantene-shiny mane like they think they’re My Little Pony and all that. We've gotta take these hornless unicorns down a peg. So here's a list of horseless racing events around Australia...although for some reason they all take place in Queensland. Get out your fascinators, 'cause it doesn't get much classier than...
Ah yes, the majestic origins of cockroach racing date all the way back to 1981. As the legend goes, 'twas at the noble Story Bridge Hotel in Brisbane where two gentlemen, Daz and Gor quibbled over which of their estates housed the largest cockroaches. To settle the dispute, they each captured a cockroach and raced them in the carpark of the pub. The event has become an Australia Day tradition every year since. It's really about the most refined aspects of Australian culture: beer, girls in wet t-shirts and vermin. And leftover cockroaches get thrown into the crowd. Notable competitors have been Crawline Hanson and Osama Bin Liner. God bless their tiny souls.
A Queensland town with a general store and a population of about 100 isn't exactly overrun with tourists. That's why Eulo is home of the World Lizard Racing Championships! Complete with an official race track that's guarded by a 20-foot frill neck lizard made of wire, this small Queensland town hosts an unusual, scaly spectacle every August. Forget Phar Lap, the real legends of racing kicked up dust in Eulo. In 1980, reptilian record-holder Wooden Head was challenged by another fearsome champion called Destructo - a cockroach from NSW. The sun was hot, tensions were high. The two foes were neck and neck, but Destructo crossed the line as the winner - and was subsequently squashed under the foot of the Clerk of Course. A monument to Destructo still stands at the track.
Don't you feel cheated when those damn horses are so fast that the race is over before you've refilled your seventh glass of sav blanc? Well then, yabby racing is for you! Experience the excitement as a pile of crustaceans pinch at each other apathetically before dragging themselves in random directions for a few centimetres and then stopping somewhere to sleep. All the action happens at Windourah, Queensland, where over 500 people participated in the event this year. The winners included Ashat Debbed, Flat Ewe Lence, Phar Ted, Hugh Jarse, and the particularly subtle: Fondle Your Package. Charming.
Well, pigs really do fly! Talk about bringing home the bacon! They go the whole hog! Uhh... something with ham. Pig racing goes down at all the Royal Shows around Australia, but the real celebrities of the sport are Noah's Thoroughbred Racing Pigs (as featured on Australia's Got Talent). At Nindigully, Queensland, these young piggies scramble through an obstacle course to find their milk bowl. How wonderfully demeaning. Then, after the race, the crowd delights in some good old-fashioned pig on a spit. That'll do pig. That'll do.