Many moons ago your mother carried you in her womb for nine months before giving birth to you. Whatever.
An elephant's gestation period is 22 months, so what's a mere nine months? EVERYTHING.
Assuming that the majority of you were born somewhere in between the late '70s to early '90s, we can confidently say that being pregnant was different 'back then'.
Our mothers missed out on everything from prenatal yoga classes and 3D ultrasounds to worse - the GOOP
newsletter - before finally entering labour and vowing to never use the word 'crowning' again. Here, our mothers threatened midwives for epidurals and pushed and pushed and pushed, until they finally released us into the big, bad world. Now, in case any of this escapes you, here's a quick recap of how it all went down:
No wonder mums go postal when we don't clean our room.
This all leads us to Mother's Day, the one day of the year that officially celebrates their eternal suffering
them and everything they do for us. So this year when you not-so-discreetly ask your mum what she wants for Mother's Day and she quips "nothing but your love", know that what she really means is: "I squeezed your bowling ball-shaped head out of my vajayjay. You'd better think of something, and it had better be good or that photo of you naked on a rocking horse as a two-year-old is going viral". Now in order to achieve the wow factor (and avoid public vilification) this Mother's Day, it's probably best that you follow our survival guide.
Things to Do
Plucked straight from Blockbuster's Family Drama section, Stepmom
is universally loved by mums everywhere. The greatest victory for any mother is knowing that she has raised truly loyal offspring, willing to to turn on anyone who attempts to replace her - think lion cubs clawing to death an antelope in the African wilderness. Strangely, at the same time Stepmom
was released, Kleenex's sales went through the roof. What's that? Yes, mums also love a good cry.
Accept your mum's Facebook friend request
Everyone has kryptonite and for children it manifests into one thing and one thing alone – a friend request from their mother. Do the right thing this Mother's Day and take your mother out of cyber purgatory.
Offer your mum the SSS treatment
The problem with the SSS treatment is that no one knows that the SSS treatment is. SSS stands for Sussans Slavery Spa. Get your head out of the gutter, this is not the sequel to Fifty Shades of Grey -
seriously, no child wants to know their mother reads that garble. Instead, this is a failproof Mother's Day gift giving formula consisting of a visit to Sussans,
a certificate to a day spa and the promise of being her personal slave for a 24-hour period of her choosing.
Things to Avoid
Breakfast in bed
Do you really think your mother is going to congratulate you for popping some Tip Top in the toaster and serving it to her on a tray with a fresh carnation that was 'borrowed' from your neighbour's garden? You basically just defied years of parentage wisdom in one clumsy move - you've committed theft and worse, advocated eating in bed. Who's going to clean up the crumbs now?
The gift of domestic appliances
Britney Spears might be a slave for you,
but your mother certainly is not. Buying your mother domestic appliances for Mother's Day is about the most insulting thing a child could do. Even though in the lead up to Mother's Day your mum has given you very specific hints alluding to that $499 mint green KitchenAid, the same one Donna Hay uses on her cooking show on Foxtel, you know the one? It's at the front of the shop, on the left side of House in Westfield. Yes, even if she has been that
specific, under no circumstance are you to buy it. She'll deny everything come Mother's Day. Of course, she'll happily accept the same gift the day after.
The Curves membership
Don't. Go. There.
Mother's Day is this Sunday, and you'd better not forget it. Check out our top mother/child friendly picks in your city and just be thankful that your mum isn't Kris Jenner or Kate Gosselin.
Melbourne - Mother's Day High Tea at the Vincent
Sydney - A Sensory Experience: Mother's Day, Perfume and Champagne Masterclass
Brisbane - Mothers Day Hot Air Balloon & Vineyard Fundraiser
Adelaide - Mother’s Day Classic
Perth - Mother's Day Clay Play
If none of these suggestions take your fancy, check out what else is happening
Lisa Marie Corso
Originally posted 9 May, 2012.