Once upon a time, Valentine's Day was about honest heartfelt affection - but not anymore. These days gazing into your lover's eyes and mumbling that illusive four-letter 'L' word is not enough. There are expectations that demand couples convey their affection by emptying their wallets and showering one another in neatly gift-wrapped shit. Ignore these conventions and you risk spending a night on the couch and having to update your Facebook status to 'it's complicated'.
But don't stress. If you're in a relationship and need some advice on spicing up your love life this Valentine's, think of us as that naked, winged fat kid with the arrows - we're here to point out all the mushy, romantic events that will bring you and your partner closer (and leave all your single friends dry reaching).
Nestled right in the city's beating chest,
Melbourne Central will be transformed into a Valentine's capital as couples are encouraged to inscribe their feelings on the 'Wall of Love'. Expect to see hundreds of lovers lock arms and exchange wet, passionate kisses during 'Love Meets Under the Clock'. If this group bum groping and PDA-ing sounds like it would make you sick, then perhaps you'd prefer to wine and dine your lover one-on-one at
Terra Rossa or
World Bar and Restaurant. Later, you can bump and grind to the sensual sounds of
Natasha at Club Yo Yo or whisk your darlin' off her feet at
the Grace Darling's Valentine's Day Love-In.
Stuck in
Melbourne and not a fan of Valentine's at all? Think it's just one giant commercial cash grab? You're not alone. We bet you'll fall in love (somewhat ironically) with the anti-Valentine's shindigs at
SO:ME Space and
Red Bennies. Pop in to trade those red roses for black hearts.
Speed dating looks like a lot of fun. Sure, there are a few desperate duds in every bunch that look like they've a) recently escaped a cult b) realised the mail order bride is on back order c) have a
Second Life account or d) all of the above. But there are also a few diamonds in the rough and in
Adelaide the
30+ Valentine's Affair is playing matchmaker. If you're single then make sure to throw on something nice and mosey on in for flirty games, music and drinks to get everyone socially lubricated. Withhold from telling everyone the truth about your crazy exes and you might end up embracing a new lover. Fingers crossed. Otherwise, for the rest of you loving couples, there are romantic dinner offers at the
Rob Roy and a special screening of
The Artist over at
the Palace Nova.
If your love burns like that rash you picked up after sleeping with a stranger last Valentine's, then you can't go past
the Star in
Sydney. Pamper your partner with the five-star hotel's magnificent harbour views, mouth-watering cuisine and luxurious rooms and suites - we guarantee they'll be weak at the knees and throwing their arms around you in no time. But if the price tag on a romantic evening in a hotel sounds a bit steep (and let's face it, we're not all made of money) then an intimate rendezvous at the cinema might be more your ticket. Pick and choose between classics including
Breakfast at Tiffany's and
Dirty Dancing right through to modern chick flicks like
The Notebook (fellas, if you at least pretend like you're interested in the plot it might lead to sexy times between you and your lady friend later. Just sayin').
Sydney-siders who haven't been struck by cupid's arrow might find
the single's bash at the Argle an attractive option. Who knows? You might go home with your arm around a sexy stranger and end up growing old and decrepit together. Love works in mysterious ways, y'all.
Brisbane, you could do all the clichés this Valentine's Day but do you really want to? Forget heart-shaped lollies and chocolates, impress your date by taking them to
the 'Art, Love and Life: Ethel Carrick and E. Phillips Fox' exhibition. Here you can show off your sophisticated side and appreciation for modern art, proving to him/her that your interests extend beyond crude fart jokes with your mates and lowbrow '90s comedies. Once you're done soaking up some art, why not relive fond childhood memories together by heading along to a
Mary Poppins exhibition. With costumes, archival video and original papers from the P.L. Travers collections, we guarantee it will be super... califragilisticexpialidocious. Later on, jump on board a
Kookaburra River Queen dinner cruise and sail away, or, if the thought of seafood and being stuck on a boat leaves you queasy, keep those toes on dry land and boogie the night away to the awesomely retro sounds of
Roxette.
Perth, tell your guy or girl exactly how you feel - through someone else's words. We can't all be modern day poets, that's why
Love Poetry 2012 is here to help. Let some of Perth's best poets and wordsmiths do all the hard work as they express your love through thoughtful poetry in the confines of a Japanese garden. It'll be totally zen. Once you've rolled up your picnic rug you can noodle along to Villa Nightclub for a special
Valentine's Day party complete with rocking bands and DJs. Forget soppy blind date TV shows, roll up and try the 'For Love Or Money gameshow'. Rules are simple: choose the cash or fall in love in a flash. Expect hearts to be broken all in the name of entertainment. Awesome. And finally, for all you traditional romantics, there are three course dinners going at
the Byrneleigh. Nothing says 'I love you' quite like stuffing your partner's face full of roast pork.
Truth is, Valentine's is just another day for most people. If you're single, who cares? Just consider yourself lucky that you probably won't be out of pocket trying to impress someone. But if you've got a lover by your side, then by all means, let those lovey-dovey, gooey emotions surface - you won't be the only couple doing so.
WORDS: Jack Pilven